There is Hope

The story of Marian's life

I was raised in an orderly, neat family with one younger sister. From an early age they used to say: she's just silent, shy. To learn at school was not a problem, talking was. I said nearly nothing. There was always fear, no connection with groups, and in the final year of elementary education I stood totally alone, the one girlfriend I walked up with was not allowed to be my friend anymore (I heard this, years after).

I wasn't raised with religion, rather humanistic, but there were a few Sunday schoolbooks in our home and as a real book worm I read those too. The “warmth” that spoke out of the description of Jesus drew me; I just didn't know that he still existed. For some reason when I was thirteen, I concluded that there was no God. A few years later, becoming a fan of the Osmond Brothers, I took that back because they said that there was a God. They were Mormon and I chose not to drink coffee, tea, chocolate etc.

I did the 'HAVO' with ease but one picture from that time makes the emptiness and hopelessness I lived with visible. After that I followed HBO-A, clinical chemistry. I read no papers in that time but, by “coincidence”, I looked into one, and a very tiny announcement drew me: Youth for Christ, summer coffee café. And despite my fear I felt the urge to go there. There was one man that bore my silence and that impressed me, and also the way he spoke about faith. After half a year and a very unpleasant event it was like God spoke to me and said: follow my path, it is better. And I made that choice, to proceed with faith. After a year in the reformed church I was baptised at “de Lichtstad”. I went there faithfully for 25 years. After baptism a depressive year followed. I was new in Christ, but my old handicap of not being able to talk; not being able to connect with a group was still there.

After that year, someone from church taught me to talk with the help of a notebook, so I could write down, just one word, around something that passed by in my mind. After a EO-jongerendag (day for the Youth, of a Dutch evengelical broadcast organisation) I came back with the word “choice”. Are you sure about your salvation he asked, no I wasn't sure about anything. And he helped me to make a choice for Jesus and to lock a way of return. After that, there was joy, for a moment. I got a boyfriend and was married after a year and after three years (and special prayer) four children were born in four years time. I stopped working from the time the first one was born and that gave a loss of identity, though I recognised this later.

Because of the book: how to really love your child, by Ross Campbell, I noticed that our first child made no eye contact, after which I realised I didn't either (fear). There has been a period in which I heard voices who told me nothing but negative things about myself. By prayer in the name of Jesus they disappeared. The negative mood left for a while but was back fast again. At revival weekends with Wim Kok (BTC, Belgium) I learned about praying with authority and some prophetic developed.

At the special school (LOM-school) that our eldest child went on they showed a video about teasing and there was a long fragment with a child, all alone on the schoolyard, isolated; and I collapsed. After 5 pastoral conversations I was send to the RIAGG. I phoned them and said: I don't know who I am anymore; I can adjust in all kind of situations, but who am I? This journey is a story in itself. But creative therapy made conscious what was living underneath in feelings and thoughts and reactions based on things from the past. I was also advised to read a book from Alice Miller: the drama of the gifted child, and the list of the symptoms she named in there was my list (narcissism syndrome)

I was offered a voyage to Toronto and went to”the Father loves you”- conference. This is also a story in itself, but on the last evening there was a short moment in which God entered and all fear was gone. It raised hope that one day it was possible to be set free from fear.

A few months later the rupture in our marriage was voiced and my world fell to pieces. This also is a story in itself, but after two years the divorce was final. This fell together with two friends in church who were removed out of their leadership position and these two things together  caused something to crack inside, trust was gone, faith became empty, life became no more than trying to survive until it was due time to go to heaven, a position of powerlessness and being reigned by authorities

I was invited to visit Gods Vuur (God's Fire) church. I prayed about it (fear of new places). Lord God, should I really have to go there? And I received the verse that speaks about Jesus and the Samaritan woman and His promise of living water. I took this as a yes and I went.

Experiencing worship there for the first time felt like finally being able to breathe. I didn't want to leave anymore. When I met the pastor the next time I went, he offered to pray with me (seeing my tears when mentioning the divorce) and as he did it was like God said: trust him, and He gave the trust I didn't have anymore. This was the start to a lot of changes, step by step. In peace and with good communication I left “de Lichtstad” to enter “God's fire”, to make a new start. Like God remembered my wish, to learn to walk with the Holy Spirit, after I was baptised and continued with it.

The verse in Jer. 29:11 (For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you says the Lord thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.) touched me deeply when I heard it declared and it stated the void of having a hopeful future.

I resented the word bible study, it felt empty, it condemned more than it encouraged. One day nevertheless the presence of fear, I felt drawn to go to the bible study and once again I had the strange sensation of being able to breathe again. It was full of life, it was not empty. Through these evenings distorted ideas about the bible and about God came to light. And with the help of bible verses I was released from fear to make a call, fear of ringing at a door, fear of mirrors. Because the pastor said I had worth too I set a boundary for the very first time in my life to my ex-husband and I broke the covenant of our marriage in the heaven lies and he was married again a few months later.

After instruction of the Holy Spirit a flight path in my mind was closed and I could not flee anymore in my mind during fearful confrontations, I had to deal with emotion. Repeatedly specific prayer, becoming aware of how the mansions in my thoughts were build, learning bible verses that affected them, diminished the depressive moods. I realised a bit how they started. Learning to reach for God in worship at home fed further spiritual growth.

Last year, God gave me one more job which enabled me to leave the social service. It asked a lot of me physically and the still present stress from the divorce became worse. Again I lost hope, surviving again, and my prayer was: Lord, I can't be happy, help me please. One morning, no one present, only the voice of a psalmist (through the computer) from Gap (USA), where they had a 48-hour worship weekend, the Holy Spirit took the heaviness away and as he sang: a new joy in the morning, as in the day of harvest, joy entered. When God insisted I asked prayer for the stress and the pain (bursitis) and they were taken away that day too. After this God arranged a holiday in the home of friends in the USA, this again is a story in itself, with more inner healing

This story has not finished, but there is hope and a lot has happened already. God makes a way where there is no way. He restores my will. He releases me from fears. And even if it will be step by step, my future will not start in heaven, it is now.