I was dead: Jesus has given me a brand new life!

I was born as the eldest child into a family of four; my parents and my younger brother.

According to what my parents told me, I was a merry, active, vividly and attempting child in the first three years of my life. I was very surprised by hearing this, because I only remembered the misery in my life and that I was feeling deeply unhappy.

It started early in my life. Because of a traumatic experience in kindergarten, which happened already in the first couple of weeks, I was totally changed. As a four-year old girl I accidentally peed in my pants and I felt deeply ashamed. Instead of approaching me in a loving and caring way, my teacher told me off while all children witnessed me and I was send home. That day I was not allowed to come back and I felt rejected, send away, abandoned, sad and very alone...From that moment on something fundamental in me changed; I was not the same person anymore. From being a merry and attempting and happy child I was turned into a fearful and passive child. That I was being bullied at was a direct result of that. (Primary school and high-school)

This was not just teasing as some parents call this, but bullying even worse, and in my case it was my daily bread. I didn't ask for it. It cost me everything to keep my head up, to do not loose my life. I had to survive! I was threatened seriously and I even had to fear for my life, because of if I should dare to open up my mouth and talk, than I would be kicked to death! And I believed all of that. I didn't go and ask for help to my teachers, nor my parents or somewhere else. I was literally gagged and because of the traumatic incident at kindergarten, my confidence in adults was completely gone. Than at home I also had my brother who was mentally handicapped, but doctors didn't know what he had at that time. Later in his early twenties became known that he had a specific type of autism. In other words, at home there were also a lot of problems. My parents worried about my brother and they also had to deal with me. I was not easy to deal with; everything what was kept inside of me during schooldays came out when I was home. I exploded regularly and I was unpredictable like a volcano. I caused my parents a lot of trouble. Other people sensed that I was a strange kid, but they didn't know what to do with me. All the attention and care went to my brother and I felt lost. I was sent to a "Christian" primary school and got to know something out of the Bible; I also went to Sunday school. I liked hearing the stories about Jesus very much and actually, I remember now, I wanted to be with Him from the very beginning. I raised myself up to the beautiful stories about the Good Shepherd, but still, school was very hard for me to endure.

Bullying went on and on and got even worse. It became so worse that I felt depressed and became ill. The teachers didn't see anything, it seemed if they were blind. One day I dumped my 'faith', I had enough. I didn't want to attend Sunday school anymore where I had to face my bully's. Guess what happened every week when I faced them; every time when I attended Sunday school I was left at peace and through out the week I was a target. Although I didn't get it, I sensed that something wasn't right. I experienced hypocrisy and I could not stand it. Even now! So I quit Sunday school in order to get my peace. I had to refill my tank, recover my breath, just to survive a new school week. And this went on and on for years. Even far in my adulthood I was bullied at and mocked. Everywhere I went I was rejected, cast away, applying for jobs also didn't work out. To me it seemed that I was cursed, but I couldn't lay a finger on it. On the inside I had an enormous gap that I tried to fill.

I began to eat sweets, but soon I discovered that it didn't help me very much. I couldn't quit with it; I needed comfort. I was searching for love and acceptance, although I didn't know about that. My quest was marked by different kinds of 'addiction'. From an eating disorder, stealing and gambling to find self sufficiency, I back slid.

Everything I (still tried) to attempt failed and I felt totally useless; unworthy. Deeply unhappy, why should I live and what for? One day I heard from my dad that there might be help for me. Through a colleague he sent me to a lady whose help was based on alternative principles.

She applied hypnotherapy to me, which is going back into the past -or even past lives- through hypnosis, in order to find out what should be the cause of all my problems.

This lady was the very first person who gave me sincere attention and she 'knew' to tell me that I was a remarkable human being and that I was specially born on to this earth to fulfill a specific assignment; but only I had to find out what this really meant and, I had to remove all the obstacles that kept my soul imprisoned. She was willing to help me... At first I didn't know, but I found out later, that she was in contact with spirits and that was why she could tell me almost anything and it seemed to be correct as well. She was a fortune-teller and she used to lay Tarot cards.

Dearest reader, I need to warn you: don't get involved with people like these, fortune-tellers, hypnotists, mediums, etcetera, because: it brings you destruction. You will lose your precious life!

I was so vulnerable, because of lack of love and the rejection in my life that I was deceived. With my eyes wide open, but ignorant, I stepped in to the world of occultism and witchcraft and very soon I got my own mentors. They praised me for the progress I made and my self esteem began developing; I started to grow and I believed that I could steer (actually control) my own life. Very soon I was lead through a very strong inner conviction to Jomanda (the lady of the light) and I stayed with her for seven years. Although I was very much in progress, I kept my enormous problems. I couldn't understand. In the beginning I searched for help to get rid of my problems, but I was handed something else to develop my soul and rediscover my identity. Very soon I was spiritually blind. My problems were still there, but now they disappeared to the back-ground. It was not that important anymore. I had to know who I was and what I could do all by myself. (If you can control your own life, than you are just as god) This was cool! Only, I was blind and ignorant. I got special dreams, people prophesied over my life, I was really searching for God and I sometimes received healing. However, all of this was false! I had to deal with Satan -which I know now, now I am saved by Jesus Christ- who posed himself as the Angel of Light. Prophesy was actually fortune-telling. I have seen and experienced most of all falsifications of the gifts of the Holy Spirit that are real. Miraculous indeed, but NOT OF GOD! My problems endured and I got really depressed; I wanted to die. I couldn't feel any more; nothing. I was only into occultism and witchcraft. My body was here on earth, but most of the time I was somewhere else. I was a ZOMBIE, a DEAD MAN. I was gone. There was only an empty wrapping left of me. There was nobody who could understand me. I had no friends, beside the occult. I didn't have any friends at all, but a shift had taken place; now I got some friends, at least I thought. As long as I did anything they asked from me. At first I didn't notice that I was being manipulated. If it, somewhere deep inside of me, didn't feel right, I didn't obey -to my masters- and in their opinion I was in rebellion. This made me angry and this got only worse and worse. I think that God allowed all that I have experienced in my life, because He has His plan with it. Deep inside of me my conscience was not totally gone yet. There where I felt injustice I got angry and my masters became angry with me because I didn't obey to them. I began discovering differences and one day I saw the true nature of that person. I was horrified and it seemed as if a veil was lifted from my eyes. Despite the fact that I was deeply involved into occultism, I never gave up searching for THE TRUTH. I went on, costs what it cost, meanwhile surviving.

One day at home in my apartment I had enough of all this! My life was a mess and still I was not happy. Then I realized that all I did was wrong and out of the blue I started to remember Sunday school and how much I enjoyed the stories about Jesus. Before Jesus came into my life I was searching intensely for Him. I prayed to Him and I wrote letters to Him in which I told Him all of my needs; that I needed help. One moment, in my opinion that was very special, I went to buy a bible together with my mistress. I was hungry. Although I had already a bible, I didn't want to read in that one -this one I got as a present from my primary school, where I had to suffer so much, and there was nobody who helped me- (so I was angry). That's why I wanted to have a brand new copy. We did have so much trouble together that my mistress pressed me to change or else she would drop me and leave me alone in my misery.

As a little child I cried desperately and I said that I really wanted to, only I didn't know how to change! I couldn't do it alone. As I am looking back here, I see Jesus must have used this situation to save me.

On the way back something out of the blue came over me. I had to speak and I proclaimed out loud, whilst my own mother was also in the car, that I had to be baptized. I was totally convinced. I was immediately contradicted by my mistress. I didn't need to be baptized, for I was already baptized when I was a baby. I was angry in my spirit and I repeated that I needed to be baptized! Basta! Then nobody said any word until we were home.

A change had been taken place in my spirit, only I didn't recognize it at that time. The following weeks went by very rapidly. I was intensely searching for God. The Real God and I noticed that I was being lead in my prayers. I repented and I confessed all of my sins as I remembered, named the names of all my teachers, witches, mediums, who I was involved with and asked God to forgive me. This process lasted for a couple of days. I was in deep, deep darkness and I stood already with one leg in the grave. I knew on the inside that something should have to be done now or I was forever lost. Although I didn't go to any church, I experienced God clearly in my life. I begged Him, that if He really did exist(?), He would pull me out of this hell. Than I believed in Him and I promised to follow Him.

And He did! Miraculously.

In all those years I didn't speak about my problems and my misery. Something inside of me convinced me to open up my mouth and talk or I should perish. I had to talk in order to get out of my prison. The only connection I still had with Christian faith, were my two aunts who are born-again Christians. I started to talk to them, because I knew my parents couldn't understand me. Jesus Himself sent me to the vicar of the church where my parents attended, to talk to him. This was a once-only conversation and although this good man couldn't understand the depth of my problems, he was prepared to listen to me and he prayed for me. God has also used this man and he advised me strongly to break with my mistress. At first I was very scared, because she once told me to curse me if I should dare to break with her.

And suddenly I didn't care anymore; I eagerly wanted to be delivered. To get out of this place, out of this hell, because that was my reality. I lived here on earth, and yet at the same time I was in hell. It was horrible all things that I had to experience in my life.

All of a sudden contact was broken. It was finished! What next? For a while (a few months) I lived in Nobody's Land; I was on my own, at least, I thought I was. Christmas was coming, and I was seriously thinking about making a new start. Only...When? How?

Suddenly one of my aunts rang me and asked me if I was prepared now to go to church. I really wanted to and I knew that it was good for me. But there was one problem; in that time I was very afraid of people. I lived only with my parents and brother and I also was connected to my mistress. Further contacts were rare.

I wanted to go to church and I needed so much to change my life. I made an appointment with my aunt to go in January.

God immediately began to speak to me through the songs that were sung. I was touched and my heart began to melt. Tears rolled over my cheeks. I had trouble to let me go, so I restrained. Sitting next to my aunt was safe for me.

Two weeks later I knew that my aunt and uncle couldn't be there; I experienced a battle, but I didn't give up. I decided then to go on my own. But what happened? My car broke down. Luckily I was clear in my mind and steered the car unto the cycle-path, it appeared that the switch-cupboard suddenly was broken! I had to call A.A.-patrol and I was prevented to go to church that day. All of a sudden I had no car anymore! My life was spared, thank God.

One week later I was invited to stay with my other aunt and I went to a church service at Nehemia Church in Zwijndrecht. I was deeply touched because of the heaviness of the sermon the pastor addressed to his congregation. The pastor preached Revelation 2, about a letter that was addressed to the church of Ephesus, wherein Christ warned them that they had left their first love. I felt an explosion in my heart. I knew it, for sure this was meant for me! I had to return to Jesus! This was the same Jesus, Whom I loved as I was a little child, who wanted to be with Him. At the end of the sermon there was an altar call. I was in a battle; the pastor called people who did already know Jesus. I was confused in my head for I knew Him? I had heard a lot about Him and even read about Him, yes. But did I really know Him???

I was in doubt, insecure, but something inside of me pushed me forward. I stood there for a while. Then the pastor finished his prayer and the people went back to their places. Then he asked: "Are there any people among you that do not know the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal Savior yet?" This was the moment I was waiting for. My doubts immediately left me and I walked towards the pastor. Two other men came. It was here that I gave my heart in the presence of the congregation officially to my Lord and Savior.

What happened next is a real miracle!

Most of my entire life I was deeply unhappy and I carried my soul under my arm, of which even the last decade I was severely depressed; I was like a dead man, the real me was gone.

I repeated the pastor's prayer (prayer for salvation) and I confessed that I was a sinner and that I needed forgiveness, and at that very moment I felt deep loving warmth flowing inside of me, it seemed like someone had put his hand on my back. But there was no one there.

For the first time my tears rolled freely over my cheeks. Then an elderly woman from the team took care of me. I felt very strange, although I wasn't aware of it. After three days the weird feeling, it was as if I lived in a mist, had left me. When I was clear in my thinking, I immediately noticed that I was delivered from my depression! From that very moment I was intensely happy and I was able to speak freely, while I first just could not! I radiated and saw everything from another perspective. For the first time in my life I felt real love and I didn't want to lose it. I was not afraid any more, in short this was wonderful! I talked to any one who would like to hear about my Jesus and what He did for me. I completely turned into another person in just a couple of days. I was Free! The Lord Jesus is not a person who lived 2000 years ago and the signs and wonders He did, He still does them Today!

HE LIVES and He is my DELIVERER! I praise His wonderful name.

He has saved me and He gave me a BRAND NEW LIFE and also a NEW HEART.

This Jesus, Who was there for me and He still is, He wants to be there for you as well for He knows you and all of your needs and pain. The one thing you have to do is sincerely call upon His Name. Repent and turn to Him and Him touch you. He heals the broken hearted, it is He Who delivers; He is the Only One Who can save you!

This is the reason why He died. He cares for you because He loves you. He chose the cross and He took the chastisement that brings you peace. In His love for you He gave everything.

He gave His life for you. He died and has risen to give you A BRAND NEW LIFE.

Take it, it's Free!

Irina

Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth-
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.

After my conversion

Although the Lord Jesus had set me instantly free from a ten year long lasting severe depression, for the greater part I needed deliverance. It was the Lord Himself Who lead me and brought me to the right people. I received deliverance in phases; it might have been too hard for me if it happened at once. Besides I was diligently cleaning up my house and I destroyed all my books of the occult -a couple of hundred- and I threw them into the fire and burnt them. I destroyed all my idols, cd's on meditation and New Age music, etc.

I smashed everything; I tore it and burnt it. I even didn't keep my gold and silver away from my God. I radically gave up everything! While destroying all of this mess I noticed that I became more free and happier.

Still though people didn't understand me (at home and even in church) and some of them didn't know how to deal with me and wanted to send me into psychiatry. But I was not mad nor an impossible case. For my God nothing is impossible! He makes the impossible possible!

Psychiatry was obviously an attack upon my early life together with Jesus and I panicked, confusion controlled my feelings and my emotions. Then the Holy Spirit warned me that I must not become conformed to this world, but I had to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.(Romans 12:2) People who didn't know me at all prayed for me and the Holy Spirit told them that God wanted me to say that He wanted to be my Healer. This really strengthened me on the inside; I received a new level of faith and it encouraged me to cancel my appointment with the psychiatrist. I decided then to totally trust the Lord with whole of my heart, my soul and my mind; He promised me to heal me. And He did!

In a couple of years He transformed me from a 'no-body' into a happy young woman with an identity; now I know who I am and where I live for: I LIVE FOR HIM WHO GAVE ME LIFE!

Amen